Friday, January 4, 2008

Post without a name

Sometimes and some days I forget that my boyfriend has lived a life before I showed up in it. I forget that it's there in the things he says, the people he talks about, the songs he quietly sings when he thinks I can't hear him and in the clothes he wears. I don't know how it can happen but it sometimes does.

Yesterday was one of those days. And I got hit in the head real hard with the fact that he not only lived before I showed up, he also loved, he laughed and he planned. Someone he knows has passed away and the funeral is next week. I've met this person once or twice when we've been at boyfriend's friends' house, but we've never spoken to one another except for introductions. To be honest, I can't even put a face to the name even when trying hard. Boyfriend is going to the funeral. At first I was hesitant to attend the service as I don't know this person and I'd have to take time off from work. A couple of hours later I changed my mind though and told boyfriend that I'd go with him. That I wanted to be there to support him and to show his friends that I acknowledged their loss.

He thanked me for wanting to be there, but also told me that I shouldn't feel pressured or forced to go. He'd be fine anyways and he was sure his friends wouldn't mind me not showing up.

After talking about it for a while I realized what he was trying to tell me. So I asked if he'd be uncomfortable with me there. If he'd rather I stayed home. He said no. But also went on to tell me how he pictures himself walking up to the coffin with his ex-wife next to him. Not me. As they are the ones with the memories and the connection to the deceased one.

I didn't know how to react. Half-jokingly I said something about me staying seated so he could walk with his ex-wife instead when it was time for our row to walk up to the coffin. But I felt hurt. And left on the outside. And ego-centric and childish.

He's right about them having the memories. This is from before I became a part of his life. I know that. But I don't like to be reminded of it on days when I forget that he's lived a life before he met me.


essjay said...

I'm so sorry to hear that his friend has passed away. I do understand how you feel about those times he had before you were in his life....those can be hard to accept. At least you to hav each other now, and hopefully forever.

Anonymous said...

It's just the mind reacting to need to worry...remember what you learned in France!