Monday, May 18, 2009

Irrational behaviour?

Something strange happens to me when I spend the night at home on my own.

I've never been afraid of the dark and I know there's no reason to be afraid of the dark in itself. The dark can't hurt you. Things/People in the dark might, but not the darkness itself...

I'm not overly worried about madmen, rapists or other wrong-doers. In my everyday life I try to be cautious and not do too crazy things to put me in danger, but I don't fear much. And I don't let worry stand in my way when travelling or experiencing new things.

But when I'm left home alone over night?

Boyfriend spent two nights away from home in November and I was surprised to see how anxious I got when it was time to go to bed. Up until then everything had been fine. I had been enjoying the silence, the power over the remote control and the cuddles of my cats without interruptions. But when getting ready for bed I got the shakes. Suddenly I saw all sorts of disasters and bad things happening. Someone breaking in to steal things. Someone breaking in to rape me. Someone putting our house on fire. Someone vandalizing our property....

All the sorts of things I never worry about.

I ended up sleeping on the cough for two nights. With my scaredy cats as my watch dogs. 'Cause somehow that made more sense to me than to sleep in our bedroom which is on the main floor (our house only has one floor) facing our small street... Our living room has huge windows and I would be in full sight had anyone gone to the back of our house and entered our garden...

I blame my weird reaction and behaviour on sleeping on the first floor on my own. For the first time ever. I have always had a bedroom off the main floor. (Except for the year I lived with my boyfriend in the country side, but I never slept home alone there...)

Yesterday boyfriend left for a workthing again. I was doing fine. But started freaking out when I got ready for bed... Images of disasters started to crawl back to my mind and I heard strange noices I couldn't identify. I was about to get my duvet and pillow and move out to the living room cough again, but decided to fight my worry.

I fell asleep. In our bed. But on boyfriends side of it. The side furthest from the window and closest to the door.

I'm most likely doing the same tonight.

5 comments:

Geek Knitter said...

It's amazing what the subconscious will throw out sometimes, isn't it? For me it's the closet door. There is no way I can get to sleep if it's open just a crack... who knows what might be lurking in there?

lucy said...

once i was brocken into my house at night. the nights following that for a long time were really tough. i was scared to death to go to sleep. i can imagine not having your safe haven by your side to be nerve racking!

SP Katie said...

I can totally relate to this Anna! If I'm home by myself then I normally end up having the TV on until I fall asleep to convince me I'm not alone!

clarabelle said...

Oh, that's so terrible, Anna, to feel like that!

There is probably NO ONE who would ever want to break into your house, or to hurt you. You really must think in positive terms: you have the whole bed to yourself; you can cuddle your cats; you don't have to put up with 'male odours' for a night... anything to think positively! X

Anonymous said...

I totally understand your position on this, Anna...when you live above the main floor, things somehow look "safer"...these "main floor" fears are definitely normal, but they can be overcome...you will be ok, sis! :) -Shell